Diagnosis Day

May 21, 2007. Greg and I were sitting in the ultrasound room. We were talking to one another about our guesses on the gender of our baby. We were giddy. Impatient. Excited.

As the ultrasound began, we instantly saw beautiful long legs kicking.

"Soccer legs" we told each other and laughed.

We saw the beating heart. All the chambers looked great. We saw arms moving. We saw a baby sucking on it's thumb. Greg and I continued to talk excitedly and were in awe at the glimpse of 'baby #3'. After a little while she told us that we were having a girl!

"Bailey will be so excited!" we said.

As the ultrasound continued, I noticed that the lady kept going over the area of my tummy where the head was. To the point where it was almost getting uncomfortable because she needed more gel. I started feeling like something was wrong although she kept a pleasant face and friendly tone.

I could see the sweet profile. The lips, nose, mouth , eyes...what was she looking for? She kept doing the thing where they get the round measurement of the head. Over and over and over.

"Are you trying to see something on her head?" I asked her finally.

"Yes" she replied.

I'm not sure what all happened next because my heart started to panic. I think she continued to look and then told us that she was going to let Dr. Garner look at the ultrasound and then he would talk to us. We were then put back into an exam room.

When we were alone I told Greg "Somethings not right. Why didn't they print off pictures and give them to us? Something is wrong with her head." We just sat there. Waiting.

My mind was racing. Only a week before I had read a blog of someone (who is now a friend) who had just been given terrible news that their baby had a fatal birth defect called anencephaly. I remembered thinking that there was no way that this was also happening to me. Anencephaly was too rare. It's basically unheard of. I'm only thinking that because I had just read that blog. THERE IS NO WAY THAT THIS IS HAPPENING TO US!

Dr. Garner knocked on the door and then came in. He told us that they saw something on the ultrasound that might change the way we proceeded with the pregnancy.

I blurted out, "Is it anencephaly?"

He looked at me like I was crazy for knowing that term.

"Yes. That's what we think it is."

I was instantly devastated. Greg had no idea what this was, but I knew that this was a death sentence for our baby girl. I told him that there is no way our baby would live if this is what they thought she had.

Again, everything became a blur. We were in shock. We were set up for a level 2 ultrasound with a specialist and we left the office. I remember falling apart in the hallway outside the office. I had tried so hard to not cry as we walked through the waiting room holding all the expectant moms.

When we got to the parking lot I realized that we were just walking like zombies. I had no idea where I had parked. I couldn't even think of where to look. Greg helped me get to his car and he drove us home. I don't remember where Beckham was. Bailey was at school.

I knew that my parents and my friends were waiting to hear from us. Eager to find out the gender of our baby. How do you make the call to tell people that you were carrying a baby who would die? The only call I could make was to my parents. Through my tears I was able to tell them of the diagnosis. All I know after that is that I stayed on the couch the rest of the day crying in a way that makes your stomach hurt, your head pound and your eyes sting.

May 21, 2007 was the day that our lives changed forever.

I never dreamed that a year later I would still have only 2 earthly children.
I never dreamed that we would experience such sorrow and heartache.
I most assuredly never dreamed we would be moving to Florida in 2 weeks!

But through it all God was with us. Every second of every excruciating day after we found out we would never bring our baby home.

I never dreamed that a year later I would still be able to have hope.
I never dreamed that my faith in God would have grown like it has.

Our life's plans may change, but our God never does.