Today was my last doctor's visit of the year. Thank you sweet Jesus! My doctor is a wonderful man. The nurses are so sweet. The brutal thing has been sitting in the waiting room. It's not that I'm not excited for all the expecting moms in there. It's just that it's such a reminder of when it was Greg and me sitting in the waiting room, crazy with anticipation of our 5 month ultrasound...never realizing that in the next hour our world would change forever. Every time I sit in that waiting room and see couples waiting, I pray that they will have a good report. The other alternative is just too cruel for anyone to ever have to endure.
15 Doctor's visits, 6 ultrasounds, 16 weeks of waiting and knowing, 1 major surgery, and my daughter's funeral pretty much sum up my year. Yes, there have been pockets of happiness here and there, but for the most part, this year has stunk. I am tired of looking in the mirror and seeing sad eyes that no amount of makeup can hide. What will it take to make my eyes look happy again?
Today at my doctor's appointment we discussed future children. The realization that this time next year I still won't have a baby in my arms makes me mad. I'm mad because there isn't anything I can do but wait. I am not always mad. Honest. But today I am. I am ready for a fresh new year that I am earnestly hoping will be filled with much joy.
Hasn't this been an uplifting post? Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. Next post will be disgustingly upbeat! I do have many things to be thankful for. I just needed to vent. I'll leave you with a picture of my sweet angel.
7 comments:
You are not a debbie downer. You are amazing. Thanks for letting us see a piece of your heart. I love you and for the record, you always look beautiful when I see you. I hope this year is wonderful for your family and I hope that God wraps his arms around you all and fills the void that you feel.
Shelly Dahl
For real, are you kidding me, Debbie Downer? You are human and you have gone through a terrible loss. You are great, Shannon (and Greg) and for you to write about this and share with some people that you may not even know is so real. This next year will be hard, too. Memories are always hard, but that is what keeps us going and you will always have the sweet memory of your little Olivia inside. It makes me smile and sad all at the same time. Hope we get to see ya'll next week....who is up for planning a party at their parent's house? I think we need to raid Kennys new place!!
I understand- I hope 2008 brings you many blessings and many more things to look forward to!
Let it all out, honey! You have been an amazing example of strength and peace to everyone who knows you. Olivia is a beautiful reminder of God's love for us. You are such a sweetheart, and I'm so glad to know you!
I was so sorry to hear about your loss of Olivia. I've been wanting to contact you and am so glad I found your blog. I certainly don't know what you've been through, but I too have had a heartbreaking loss this year. I am with you on being ready for '08. Grief of this depth is just so tough and I want to be myself again, too. A friend who lost her husband at 28 yrs gave me a great quote that I have held on to- "Your pain remains, but the perspective changes." I pray that God will give us this sense of perspective and that we will be ready and willing to take it.
On the "anniversary" of my brother's death I read your blog for the 1st time. It was the entry where you mentioned writing olivia a letter. I wrote a letter to Andrew on that very day. It was very theraputic; I highly recommend it. I really felt like I was talking to him. I also had another thought for you - maybe you could put an ornament in Olivia's stocking each year to remember her; an angel or something else significant to you; then each Christmas your kids could add it to the tree. Just a thought.
Oh, I too have gained the grief weight! 2008 is the year. I hope to hear back from you. Sorry for the Loooong post. I pray for God's blessings and mercy for you and your family.
Love- Ashley B. Chandler
You don't know me, b/c I am a blog lurker, but I believe you have read my wife's (Teale) blog on occassion. I have no idea how you feel, b/c every situation is different but 2007 was a very hard year for Teale and I as well. When we lost our daughter, Kendall Morgan, on July 19 I thought my world was over. Thanks be to God that He loves us enough to give our children a home in heaven. I have never wanted to go to heaven so badly in all of my life. Let me leave you with this bible passage that Teale and I found comforting, 2 Samuel 12:18-23. David's child passes from this life and he states that while his child can't return to him, he can't certainly one day go to his child in heaven. I hope 2008 brings many blessings to you and yours.
I second your post. I feel the same about every bit of it. Sorry I haven't posted before on here...I seriously didn't know you had a blog...how clueless am I?????
Anyway, hope you had a good holiday and I wish you and your family the best year in 2008!
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