WOW.

Thank you guys for all your comments of encouragement. I feel very loved and supported (except for the comment by THE MAN...just kidding-I knew instantly that it was a comment from my weirdo Georgia lovin' surrogate brother :) I'm proud of you for commenting!).

{WARNING: POSSIBLE LONG POST AHEAD. NEED TO VENT.}

After even MORE reflection time (is it possible to THINK that long in one week/month?) I had to finally admit the reason for my difficulty right now. I know, without a doubt, that it is because I have not been consistently in God's word.

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In Little Rock I had a solid support group of Christians. Every aspect of our lives centered around our church and our brothers and sisters. Now my life is a stark contrast to that. We have not yet found a church home. Not only that, but the church search has opened up a whole new area of my beliefs that I have never really had to struggle with. I have ALWAYS had amazing churches to choose from. Now, in this HUGE new city, the churches in our "denomination" are missing the young families and that obviously means the children are missing also.

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Without the consistency of my church family I am floundering. This also makes me question why my Christianity isn't strong enough on its own. I know that God has always intended for his church to function as family, but good grief!

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Summertime has always been a hard time for me spiritually. During the year I keep busy with small groups and Bible studies. When these go on a "summer break", so does my time in God's word. I have always felt that Satan uses this time to creep in and fill me with self doubt and conflict. I guess this summer has been no different in that respect. In the past I have endured this drought time because I knew that fall was coming-bringing with it all the regular Bible studies, etc. It was easier to hang in there.

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This summer I can't seem to see where the drought ends since we are still visiting churches. Then I get angry with myself because I shouldn't rely so much on others to get my lazy self back into the word. UGGGGHHHH! Is that Satan creeping in again or just the frustrating truth of the matter?

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I have also been struggling with the upcoming anniversary of Olivia's birth/death. I seem to have slipped into many moments of remembering how things were last year. In some ways my grief has been more raw lately than it was when we first lost little Livvy Lou. I know that the first year of "firsts" is hard. Believe me, I know. However, it's not hard in the way of "if she had lived she would be doing _____". It's more of the gut aching missing her type of emotion. Overall it was just such a traumatizing situation. I am still sometimes dazed that it really happened to us. It's like having a bad nightmare and waking up and realizing that it did happen.

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Even in the nightmare of carrying Olivia for the last 4 months of a very LONG pregnancy, she gave me some of the greatest gifts that I'll ever know. One of them was cherishing every single teeny tiny moment that I had with her, even if it meant staying up till all hours of the night watching poker on tv. Our limited time together was much too precious to spend sleeping and not feeling her rolling around and kicking. I didn't want to miss any of it!

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I witnessed a beautiful, broken baby pass from this ugly world. She went, without pain, straight from Greg's arms to our heavenly Father's arms. It was strangely beautiful and full of peace.

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I witnessed the outpouring of love from so many people. I always knew that the support and love was there, but the physical manifestation of this support was amazing, humbling, and will never be forgotten. What a gift Olivia gave me. She allowed me to witness the way God intended his church to function. What a perfect framework. Our God is so good.

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In order to keep this post from turning into a total novel, I am going to reign in my thoughts and emotions now. Tomorrow Greg, the kids and I are heading to the other coast to meet my parents for a week at the beach. That sounds funny now since we live at the beach! Anyway, this will be a good opportunity to hang out with my dad and my resident psychologist (aka mom). I'm sure mom will whip me into shape with a plan of action. I better sharpen some #2 pencils and get a notepad ready!

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I'll finish with a quick holla to my main man G. He is doing a great job here in J-ville. I look around at the life he has/is providing for us and I am ashamed that I have the nerve to complain about anything! God has blessed me with a crazy fun man who accepts me for who I am (what a saint!). The kids adore him and so do I. I am really looking forward to some R and R on the beach with him!

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Here's a classic picture of Greg and I taken right before we left to come here...as a bonus I'm also including a few pictures that just plain 'ole make you smile!

Is this what being together 13 years will do to you?

Bailey on her snow potty. She's got a crazy imagination!

Naked jaybird when she was 2 (at my all time favorite place in the world: Camp Tahkodah) By the way, I'm sure she will give me a tongue lashing on her blog (www.baileywithatwist@blogspot.com) for posting this picture!

Classic Greg and John

I LOVE these kids as if they were my own flesh and blood! By the way, what is Greg doing in the background? He's so perplexing!

This is what happens when the kids stay at Nina and Poppa's house!

(Quick note- Ashley C. , could you send me your email address? I'd love to be able to visit with you! gking02us@yahoo.com, actually, I'd love to hear from any of you who want to email instead of posting)