The past several weeks I have done a lot of soul searching. This is what I concluded: if I had a "life" report card I would be sporting a D average.
I don't want to be on the D list. I want to be a great mom, a great friend, a loving wife, a super Christian, a cheery daughter, an awesome sister. But I'm not. I have felt very stuck for the past 20 months.
I know what I want to be, but can't seem to get there. I think of the "I know what to do but do not do what I want to do" scripture once again.
I know how to be a great mom but my kids still get way less than 100%.
Greg for sure gets the raw end of the deal although I know the scriptures on being a virtuous woman by heart.
I've been taking more from my friends than I have been giving back and many days I'm amazed that they still love me.
I want to be the sister who does all the thoughtful things and verbalizes how much I love my siblings but I don't tell them nearly as often as I think it.
I want to honor my mother and father in every way. They totally deserve it- yet my body language and "tone" still betray me.
I think of my grandparents daily, but don't pick up the phone. Not even weekly.
There's my dirty laundry for everyone to see. I'm not posting it to get sympathy. I'm posting it because I need accountability. I am tired of trying to "pretend" that I have things in order and that my life runs smoothly. The funny thing is that people who REALLY know me well already know all of this about me. The crazy part is that you still care about me and put up with me. To you I ask that you not give up on me.
So...I'm working on things. I might have not made straight A's in high school, but I AM NOT a D average student!
I feel better now.
By the way, Tessa, thank you for telling me about the Focus on the Family broadcast. Boy did it help!
Journaling 12/8/24
1 year ago
16 comments:
I was reading in my journal the other night and what I read was sooooo close to what you wrote. There was a time when I was just not happy or content and I wanted to be and knew I needed to be, I just couldn't figure out how to get there. I am sorry that you are feeling that way, but you have been through a lot in the past year or so...it is ok to feel overwhelmed and just stuck in a rut. I love ya, and I hope things start "fitting".
Ok, first of all...I would love to have a Brady Bunch mixer again. Love it.
I taught a class at summer camp one year for teens that taught me a whole lot more than I bargained for. I think the class was about creating a devotional time or something like and we talked about not being perfect in that aspect of our lives, not to mention the other 200 roles women play in life. I really GOT the whole "There is a season" verse then. God gives everything seasons. In a tree, if it blooms all the time and has no dormancy, it will use up all it's nutrients and wither away. God made his entire creation to need dormancy. So, use this time to recharge. There is no time limit to your "break." And I can guarantee you that anyone who loves you understands that it won't be like this forever.
Shannon,
I love you no matter what. I know I have days when I feel like I don't have enough energy to keep up a happy appearance and I have been finding myself saying it outloud more often which makes me feel a whole lot better because it shouldn't be so hard to feel normal or content. I miss you terribly and I am thinking about you a lot. You are a wonderful mother. I remember a long time ago when Bailey started reading so early I was telling Parish that when we have our first child I would need to ask you for all the advice you could give because you did such a wonderful job with her and you worked so much with her.
I love you and I am here for you.
Vera
Hi Shannon:
Thanks for being real. It is one of those things I have been striving to do, and encouraging my friends to do as well. To drop the facade. It is so comforting to know other people don't have it all together either:) And I think we can better minister to others when we stop pretending.
I am in a similar season of questioning and seeking and not knowing how to move from point A to point B. Seems my plans are not God's plans after all. Funny how He brings that to light! Often!!!! Ok, I'm slow sometimes:)
Seriously, though, He has taken a recent difficult experience and used it for good. My priorities have shifted and I have new purpose, new focus in life. He has opened my heart to newer, bigger and better dreams. Things I have wanted to do for a long time, but never thought possible. And they weren't ... until I started turning them over to God.
I believe you will get there, too. One day things will click again and you will be able to see God's hands in these confusing, out-of-whack days.
I was so grateful to stumble on your YouTube video of Olivia (I cried and cried, but smiled lots, too ... she is so beautiful!) and then to your blog. Thank you for sharing your pictures of her and your journey through this difficult time.
Best wishes. Hang in there ... and don't be too hard on yourself. I'm praying for ya.
Blessings,
Jenn Skolasky
(Steve's little sister)
jennskolasky@nc.rr.com
Shannon...thanks for your honesty. You are always so good at putting your feelings into words. I've been thinking about you alot lately and know i'm praying for you. You are a great mom, daughter, friend, sister,etc..you've had an unbelievable year and your such an great example. Know I love you...ohhh and we're my arms ever that skinny.ah!
Love you
Shawna
Shannon,
I really enjoy checking your blog. With all you've endured with Olivia, I think you are "graded on a curve". It broke my heart to read your post. You seem to have such an honest and sweet heart. I hope that things become easier for you and pray that you will have all of the comfort you need. May God bless you and your family!
Shannon -
Your posts are always so heart felt, open and honest. It's funny though - because on the outside looking in... you don't seem like a D at anything! You definitely get an A for strength, A for ability to motivate and inspire others, A for honesty,and an A for faith. I can relate to feeling like your husband gets a raw deal. I know mine does for sure! None of us our perfect and I hope that things start getting better for you. You are definitely DUE!!!
Friend, the only thing you get a D in is phone answering :)! Please don't be so hard on yourself! You just can't give 100 when you don't have 100 to give. This past year+ has taken quite a toll, but whenever there is a season of sadness God also gives a season of rejoicing. Remember what Beth taught about Joy, JOY COMETH! It is coming and boy are we all going to be glad to see it. Hugging you from here. Did you get my text? Awesome!
Shannon,
I cried when I read your post and almost peed my pants when I saw that picture! Sciba cracks me up. Sometimes I wish we could go back to those days...just for a little while. Things were so fun and easy. :) You have had a lot of major life changes in the past year and you have handled each one with strength and grace. I pray that I will be as good of a wife and mother as you are! I love you and will continue to pray for you and your sweet family.
Once again, your ability to put your feelings on paper have left me speechless and tearful. How can someone who is one of the most strong, graceful, loving, caring, funnest, thoughtful, kind, selfless, outgoing, amazing people I know be feeling this way??? As others have said, there is nothing "D" about you (except as Jill said, answering your phone :) and there never has been or will be anything "D" about you!! My whole life I have wanted to be more like you and I will always strive to be more like you....especially as a Mom....I have always LOVED your relationship with Bailey and how much fun you have with her and how wonderful it is that you can be such good friends while maintaining your mother/daugher relationship. I only hope that I am able to be an ounce of that with Emma. I can't even begin to imagine what the last year or so has been like for you, but always know that I love you more than anything and I am here for you morning, noon and night!!
Hey Shannon,
I am thinking of you and praying you feel better soon! I think if I had gone through what you all have been through, I would be an F student or expelled! I know you can't really hear or see how someone feels through a blog but you seem to soldier on and handle things in a way that most people wouldn't be able too. Your kids are always smiling and happy in the pictures so you must be doing something right! Hang in there!
Shannon, may God continue to show you grace in your relationships and may He grow you to be where you want to be. Thank you for being honest about where you feel you are at -- it looks like, from the responses here, that you might actually be on the honor list... :)
Shannon, you are clearly your toughest critic. While we we're never close friends, your prescence has always brought a smile to my face. And in these last several months (that I've read your blog) I have been inspired by your strength, perserverance, and faith.
Oh, how I can relate to your post. I have been in my own funk for roughly the same amount of time as you and your blog has helped me many times. I can say that I am slowly coming out of my fog (God is GOOD!)and it actually gives me more clarity into how much I fall short on all fronts. The good news: His grace is sufficient. Not that we shouldn't work on our selves, but we must realize there are times when we have to rest SOLELY on that promise.
The sermon at my church Sunday was on Galatians 6- boasting in the Lord. He spoke of praising on others as a means of boasting in the Lord. So, I am here to say I see the Lord working in you.
Rest in His grace- ashley
P.S. You are clearly a great mom as your kids are so fun. I kinda think I want to be Bailey- she's hysterical!
Got your post...let's arrange a marriage right now.
Shannon-
I'm sorry if my post seemed to dismiss what you were trying to say. I know you feel only capable of the "D list" right now, which I'm only guessing that has to be right considering all you've been through. I cannot imaigne. I know you know that in time you can and will be capable of more. I imagine you are right where most would be.
May God lighten your load so that you can be the you that you are and want to be. I hope this year floods your family with blessings.
Wow! Good luck with that one!
The Man
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