We are close to meeting our little boy. I mean-any day type of close! In some ways I feel like this has been the longest pregnancy in the history of the world and in others it seems inconceivable that we will be adding to our family so soon. Technically the date is in 13 days but we'll see.
When I am having a difficult time I tend to become paralyzed. Verbally catatonic. This pregnancy has been such a roller coaster of emotions. Elation at the thought of FINALLY leaving a hospital with a baby in my arms. Fear at knowing how much can go wrong in a pregnancy. Back to excitement assuming that THIS time everything will go fine. Oh no, back to bad test results and spotting early on...faith shaken again. Reassured by modern technology that everything is fine again. Feeling a tad bit skeptical to say the least! Finally time to prepare a nursery. Hit by the thoughts of all the things we were never able to prepare for Olivia while trying to enjoy the new preparations. Such a strange and difficult array of constantly changing emotions.
This past spring I've done the Beth Moore Esther study. I only had one lesson not completed. Determined to finally have a study book that didn't have ANY blank pages (you know what I mean if you've ever done one of her studies) I went back a few days ago to complete week 8. I know that without a doubt God had me wait to do that study right now when I needed it most.
Back to me being paralyzed when I am struggling. For a long while now I've just dealt with all these emotions by turning inward. Not communicating with friends or family. Just stuck inside my own head and refusing to push myself to ask for their support or help. This week I have been pushed to face my issues and to move forward. I have known the intellectual way to deal with my fears and sadness, but my intellect had no chance at overriding my emotions. No chance at all. In lesson 8 Beth Moore wrote a sentence that really summed up my emotions over the past 9 months.
Sometimes two emotions mix like vinegar and baking soda and the heart erupts like a volcano.
Bingo.
These emotions have kept my world so rocked for so long now that I just couldn't even start to understand my own emotions, much less express them to anyone else. When I do manage to feel happy about the new baby I feel guilty. When I don't feel pure joy I feel bad as well. How can happiness and mourning coexist? That's when your heart literally feels as if it will erupt.
So I've been at a crossroads. Like I said, lately I've had nudging to face things head on and quit using the "ignore it and you won't have to face it" tactic that I've been clinging to. As I continued working on my Bible study I found another jewel:
Sad is the soul that determines to exist as an emotional island. Disconnected people can never be whole. Vulnerable and painful though it may be, a community of people whose lives are tied together by the tender strings of the heart is life the way God meant it to be lived.
Ok Lord. I hear you. I get it. FINALLY. The week of study goes on to encourage us to take advantage of the moments when a time of happiness comes:
When God intervenes in our circumstances and we get a chance not only to know we're blessed but feel blessed, nothing is more appropriate than seizing the happy moment. "A time of happiness" can come like a shot of B-12 to the soul to boost your system when darkness spreads once again like a virus.
Guess what? I've decided to get off of my emotional island and get into the life raft that God has been providing for me every day of my spiritual walk with him. I was just too stubborn to climb aboard and let him carry me ashore.
Before I finish this post I want to apologize to those that I've hurt. Why do we hurt and shut out those that love us the most? Another tough life lesson, but hopefully a lesson that I've now learned.
Thank you for all the emails and kind words you've left during my blogging hiatus. Keep us in your prayers during the next week and a half. And no, we don't have a name picked out yet! :)
Pictures of all things baby coming soon! For now, here are two from a wonderful shower that was given to us at Greg's office.
When I am having a difficult time I tend to become paralyzed. Verbally catatonic. This pregnancy has been such a roller coaster of emotions. Elation at the thought of FINALLY leaving a hospital with a baby in my arms. Fear at knowing how much can go wrong in a pregnancy. Back to excitement assuming that THIS time everything will go fine. Oh no, back to bad test results and spotting early on...faith shaken again. Reassured by modern technology that everything is fine again. Feeling a tad bit skeptical to say the least! Finally time to prepare a nursery. Hit by the thoughts of all the things we were never able to prepare for Olivia while trying to enjoy the new preparations. Such a strange and difficult array of constantly changing emotions.
This past spring I've done the Beth Moore Esther study. I only had one lesson not completed. Determined to finally have a study book that didn't have ANY blank pages (you know what I mean if you've ever done one of her studies) I went back a few days ago to complete week 8. I know that without a doubt God had me wait to do that study right now when I needed it most.
Back to me being paralyzed when I am struggling. For a long while now I've just dealt with all these emotions by turning inward. Not communicating with friends or family. Just stuck inside my own head and refusing to push myself to ask for their support or help. This week I have been pushed to face my issues and to move forward. I have known the intellectual way to deal with my fears and sadness, but my intellect had no chance at overriding my emotions. No chance at all. In lesson 8 Beth Moore wrote a sentence that really summed up my emotions over the past 9 months.
Sometimes two emotions mix like vinegar and baking soda and the heart erupts like a volcano.
Bingo.
These emotions have kept my world so rocked for so long now that I just couldn't even start to understand my own emotions, much less express them to anyone else. When I do manage to feel happy about the new baby I feel guilty. When I don't feel pure joy I feel bad as well. How can happiness and mourning coexist? That's when your heart literally feels as if it will erupt.
So I've been at a crossroads. Like I said, lately I've had nudging to face things head on and quit using the "ignore it and you won't have to face it" tactic that I've been clinging to. As I continued working on my Bible study I found another jewel:
Sad is the soul that determines to exist as an emotional island. Disconnected people can never be whole. Vulnerable and painful though it may be, a community of people whose lives are tied together by the tender strings of the heart is life the way God meant it to be lived.
Ok Lord. I hear you. I get it. FINALLY. The week of study goes on to encourage us to take advantage of the moments when a time of happiness comes:
When God intervenes in our circumstances and we get a chance not only to know we're blessed but feel blessed, nothing is more appropriate than seizing the happy moment. "A time of happiness" can come like a shot of B-12 to the soul to boost your system when darkness spreads once again like a virus.
Guess what? I've decided to get off of my emotional island and get into the life raft that God has been providing for me every day of my spiritual walk with him. I was just too stubborn to climb aboard and let him carry me ashore.
Before I finish this post I want to apologize to those that I've hurt. Why do we hurt and shut out those that love us the most? Another tough life lesson, but hopefully a lesson that I've now learned.
Thank you for all the emails and kind words you've left during my blogging hiatus. Keep us in your prayers during the next week and a half. And no, we don't have a name picked out yet! :)
Pictures of all things baby coming soon! For now, here are two from a wonderful shower that was given to us at Greg's office.
17 comments:
In the Beth Moore study,STEPPING UP, a journey through the Psalms of Ascent, she says, "You and I will never move to the next level with God if we're scared half to death of what awaits us. On this mysterious pilgrimage we will find that when we do meet difficulties and sorrows, they were not meant to stop us but to form the character required for our great harvest in the coming season. Step into your future, Precious One. Something wonderful awaits you."
Praise God that something wonderful awaits you in 13 days!
I love you and can wish I could give you a gigantic hug right now. It will be ok, you will get through all the emotions. I can't wait to see that sweet little boy.
Shannon, I've never stopped checking your blog hoping that you had posted again and that you were doing okay. I've been thinking about you more lately knowing you are getting so close to meeting this beautiful addition to your family. This baby boy who is in God's plan for you and your family. I pray for peace for you and of course, a great delivery and healthy baby. I can't wait to hear the news and see pictures on your blog and you allow us to share in your joy. You are an inspiration to me! Thanks for sharing! Hope to have you back blogging more again soon. Traci
It's so good to "hear" your thoughts and thanks so much for sharing. As hard as it is to experience those emotions, it makes so much sense to feel the way you do. I am so excited for you and look forward to seeing this precious baby boy. Know that you are loved and that you have impacted so many people in ways you may never know. Amanda
Glad that you posted all that. It was a great encouragement to me. I tend to run away too instead of drawing near to God and those that love me. Anyway, about your comment on our blog....no name for us either. Kind of stressing me out. By the way, I have that same shirt that you are wearing in the pics on this post. We love you guys and are so glad that you were a part of our lives. Can't wait to see pics of the little bundle.
We love you Shannon!
Vera
I'm so happy for you, Shannon. Thanks for sharing. Can't wait to see that baby boy!
Oh my word! Love you, girl and I'm so glad to see that you are back!! :) I can't wait to hear what else has been going on in ya'll crazy life down south! Here is a great big hug from Texas and from a friend that loves you much!!
You have been on my mind so much. We're all looking forward to news of your new little one. He won't replace your sweet Olivia, but will be a little seed of joy that will fill you in all the ways you couldn't imagine before you had kids! Lots of love to you!
Back up about 7 months ago and I think this post would have described my life perfectly at the time. I had a lot of the same emotions. I often felt guilty if I allowed myself to be happy about the new baby. I just felt like no one understood, and to be honest some never will understand. I'm happy for you that you will soon have your new baby boy- when you are being wheeled out of the hospital with that beautiful baby in your arms, I'll be breathing a big sigh of relief right along with you. :)
Suck it up and put your teeth back in!
Go Dawgs!
Shannon, I was so glad to read your blog. I just wanted to tell you that you've been in my prayers and will continue to be. Look forward to seeing pictures of your new little guy soon!
Shannon I haven't checked in on y'all in a while, but I knew the due date for Baby #4 was getting near! Thank so much for sharing about the highs and lows of this time for you; I know it has been a long road and I look forward to celebrating your baby's arrival soon!
Hey Shannon, you always write the best entries that are so honest. I am thinking of you and praying for you. I can't wait for you to meet your new baby and feel God's love in the most miraculous way! I think your emotions during this pregnancy are totally normal so don't beat yourself up.
You gotta love some J.L. don't ya!
FYI...next time I am not emailin or callin, just coming. Missed You, CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU and Quatro!
Thank you for speaking those words! I feel the same way right now and getting off that island is the hardest thing for me to do. Thank you for your inspiration and your example to us of what a life in the community of our Lord and Savior is all about!
I love you Shannon. I hear the sweet voice of my savior in you. What an amazing work he has done in your life and in your family. It is through those very hard times that he grows us and shows us more of who he is. It can seem so unfair and it can seem so hard to walk through, but when we are able to see the savior and to hear from him...wow...what an honor...that God in his complete perfect holiness would invite us to know him and would allow us to take part in his work. I love to see him at work!!!
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